Beautiful Disaster
by Nonnihil Scelestus
Summary: The story of the life of Kathryn Janeway and Tom Paris AU and the possiblity of OOC-ness, my apologies if this offends
1. He Drowns In His Dreams

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager, or the song 'Beautiful Disaster'

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager, or the song 'Beautiful Disaster'. I'm just borrowing for playtime.

Author's Note: Each chapter/part will have spoiler notations.

Spoilers: Season 1: Caretaker Part 1

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 1: Part 1 – He Drowns In His Dreams

Tom Paris was drowning. He had been flying an inter-atmosphere mission and lost control of his flyer. He had tried to make an emergency landing but wasn't quick enough to adjust his flight path. He had crashed into a large lake. The hatches on the flyer were frozen, even the manual overrides. The view port was cracking under the strain of the water outside and with what had more than half filled the cabin. There was no escaping this time. He was drowning and there was no way out. The view port shattered and suddenly he was sitting straight up in bed gasping for breath as he focused on the gray walls of his prison cell, very much alive, and far from any type of shuttle craft, or large body of water. It was just another day in Auckland. Another day in a hellhole that was slowly killing what was left of his spirit and tormenting what small piece of soul he still had.

"Just another day in paradise." He sighed softly. He glanced around his cell for a moment, thankful that he was alone. He was already tortured as it was, why give the other inmates more ammunition because he was talking to himself. Of course having a cell to him-self was easy to obtain. No one wanted to room with a man who woke screaming from his dreams every night. Then there were the 'interested' parties. They saw the 'Admiral's Son' as weak and easy prey, figuring they could corner him, that he wouldn't put up much of a fight, and that if there was a struggle, it was one they would enjoy. He always made them think twice. He wasn't as soft as they seemed to think. This of course landed him in Solitary more than once. However it was a time he welcomed. It was a time when he was the safest. No one could touch him there. He didn't have to be on his guard all the time. Even the nightmares left him alone for the most part when he was confined. He could let his mind wander there; explore private memories that helped him survive his time in prison. It was also where he could make plans for things to do when he finally got out.

He was shaken out of his thoughts but the sound of the force field deactivating. It was time to start the day. As usual, he walked by himself to eat and made sure his back was to a wall while eating, before going outside to work. It was a day like any other, hot, humid, and long. That was until she showed up, standing in his light. He couldn't make out who it was at first, the sun creating a halo around her red hair, darkening her face. But then he heard her voice, a voice that had trailed through his consciousness since he was sixteen. He had been young and eager for companionship, especially when it came to his father's new assistant. She was a fresh-faced cadet then, confident in her self and eager to please. And she had noticed him, something none of the previous cadets had done. She had taken the time to inquire after him, and actually cared to listen for the response to her inquiries. She had a voice then that was soft and commanding, one that she hadn't quite grown into then. A voice that even now had the power to make him smile and brought back fond memories of evenings when his father was away and she wasn't studying. She had grown into her voice, he mused before facing her fully. Now there was an element to her tone that meant she knew what she had, and how to use it fully, something that hadn't been there as a cadet, a new facet to her. He faced her now, as man, not a boy, ready to accept whatever she doled out.

"Kathryn Janeway."


	2. He's As Damned As He Seems

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 1: Caretaker Part 1

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 1: Part 2 – He's As Damned As He Seems

"Kathryn Janeway." The name flowed off his lips like honey.

"Mr. Paris." She had never called him that before. She had always addressed him as Tom. She looked the same, a little older, a lot wiser, but still compact in stature. But then he'd grown since she'd seen him last. He had been taller than her before, but now he towered over her at his full height. This of course made no difference to her. She still had a presence that suggested she was seven feet tall and phaser proof. "Is there somewhere we can talk?" He nodded, taking a moment to glance around. The other inmates were eyeing them speculatively. He shot them a glare that could have killed, and escorted her back to the main building. Once they were seated he gestured for her to speak.

"I need a guide, someone who knows the Badlands. Starfleet has sent me after a few of your colleagues and their leader, a former officer named Chakotay." She stated plainly and without preamble. She hoped that he would agree to do what she was asking, but she wasn't positive. She had accessed his records at the compound, as well as his Starfleet service record. She had been angered by his lack of respect to Starfleet and saddened by his life after that point. He was no longer the exuberant boy she remembered. He had walked a hard path to get to that point, one of his own making.

"What's in it for me?" He asked, bringing her attention back to the present.

"Excuse me?"

"Nothing comes for free. What do I get out of it?" She paused, thinking over this event again. She had anticipated this question. It hadn't been her decision to ask for his assistance. Starfleet wanted the rebels caught and he knew more than anyone else. She had already arranged to have his ankle monitor removed if he agreed.

"You get to leave the prison. When the mission is over, you're cut loose. Officially you'll be a Starfleet 'Observer', if you agree, that is." He looked surprised.

"I'll agree, as long as this is gone." He motioned to the ankle monitor.

"Already arranged."

"What does my father have to say about this? He always was my toughest critic."

"I wouldn't know. I haven't spoken to your father for well over a year."

"Well now, that surprises me. You were the perfect child he wanted. He never tired of comparing me to you. I could do nothing right and you, you could do no wrong. Do you know, I used to beg whatever deity was out there to let me trade places with you. Then you could be the 'Admiral's Kid' and I could get away from my life." The bitterness of the years and tragedies he had been exposed to crept into his voice. No he wasn't the boy she remembered. He was a world weary, harsh man, with complex defenses, and a knife of sarcasm that was deadly.

"I'm sorry, Tom. I never realized how bad it was for you. I knew you and your father butted heads many times. I do know what its like though, or had you forgotten that I was an 'Admiral's Kid' myself?"

"Yeah I had. It wasn't anyone's fault but my own that we argued. And in my effort to get as far away from him as possible, I damned myself." He gestured to their surroundings. "I'll do what you ask, even if you end up sending me back here." She pondered him for a moment, wondering why he would agree to participate in the mission if he didn't trust her enough to keep her word. Hadn't she always kept it in the past where he was concerned? She couldn't remember for sure. Her puzzlement must have shown on her face. "I just want to be among the stars again." He shrugged. She nodded in understanding.

"I'll make the arrangements. We ship out of Deep Space Nine. I'll expect to see you there."

"What ship, Captain?" This caused her to smile, her ship.

"The U.S.S. Voyager." He could see the pride in her face and knew that it must be something special to impress her the way this one obviously had.

"Yes ma'am. I'll be there." He said to her retreating back. Once she was out of sight, he sat and contemplated what he had just been asked to do. It was worth it though, he concluded, just to see the stars again. He only hoped that he wouldn't damn himself further than he already had.


	3. My Whole World Could Cave In

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 1: Caretaker Part 1

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 1: Part 3 – My Whole World Could Cave In

She set the flyer to autopilot for her flight back to San Francisco and contemplated her recent conversation with Tom Paris. She had kept tabs on him, after she graduated. He was a special kid with a piloting talent that was seemingly unprecedented. After all he had been flying flight simulators at the age of five. Knowing him as she did, she had never expected him to make the mistake he had on Caldik Prime. She had been shocked when the truth had come out, how Tom had lied about the events of that fateful day, how he had caused the accident. He had been drummed out of Starfleet after that. She had been angry with him, though she never told him so, that he could have so little respect for the uniform he wore. Later when it had been revealed that he had taken up with the Maquis rebels, she had been appalled. It was one thing to be discharged from Starfleet, but to betray it completely was incomprehensible to her. Having seen him there, in that prison though, nearly broke her heart. No one deserved the punishment that he was carrying on his shoulders. He wasn't just serving time for betraying his government; he was punishing himself as well. She could tell he was only a few incidents from his breaking point. He was being pushed to the edge of his endurance, and no one was stepping in to help him. Watching him being self-depreciating had felt like someone had stabbed her in the heart with ice.

When she had first seen him, kneeling in the prison yard, it seemed like she was looking at an angel. He was fit, she had noticed, as he was minus his shirt in the hot summer sun. The next thing she noticed was his blond hair, lightened by the sun and his gold skin. When he turned to face her, his blue eyes were beyond intense. He stood then and she was taken aback by his height. He had grown since she had last seen him. She studied him and saw the sadness and bitterness in his eyes, which she hadn't seen before. She had to amend her previous thought to fallen angel. She had wanted to gather him up in her arms and tell him that everything would be ok, that she would protect him, that she would keep him safe. Her fingers, hands, and arms had all itched and tingled to just that. She had held herself in check, just barely. He hadn't seemed to notice, something she was thankful for. She wanted to present the 'Captain', not a soft, pitying fool. Something told her that being touched just then would have been horribly bad for him, that it could break him into a million little pieces.

He was a dangerous man, she concluded, not just in terms of what he could do physically, or what he had done in the past, but in what he could do to her. She had a soft spot for him, and that in its self could make her whole world cave in around her. She had very few defenses against his type of assault, against him. She would do anything to keep him from going back to prison, she promised herself vehemently. Perhaps that was the signal that her world was already crumbling, just because of him.


	4. More Heaven Than A Heart Could Hold

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 1: Caretaker Part 2

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 2: Part 1 – More Heaven Than A Heart Could Hold

Their mission to find the Maquis was a success, but only partially. Thanks to the Caretaker, they found themselves in the Delta Quadrant, 75,000 light-years away from home, alone. They had to make their way home, there was no other place for them to go, but there, no other mission for them, no other purpose. They had integrated the Maquis crew into her own crew, to augment it, and to function as one Starfleet vessel. Things were going to be rough on their seventy-year journey; she could already see that. There would be tensions among all of the crewmembers until they learned to work together properly, and the stress of making their way home, of trying to find a shorter way. But for all the turmoil they had recently gone through, being flung across the galaxy, their introduction to the Kazon and some of the harsh realities of this region of space, her thoughts were not on her crew, the ship or their journey, but on one man in particular. Tom Paris. When she had promised herself that he wouldn't go back to the prison, this was not what she had in mind. She had given him a field commission and control of the helm. She had known he was an expert pilot, and he had proved it. She hoped the Maquis crewmembers could handle seeing the man they believed to be a traitor every day. She hoped that Chakotay being in charge of his safety was enough.

She abruptly stopped her thoughts. It was time to rest. She was exhausted, that was what her mind was telling her, and her body. It was time to put away thoughts of Tom Paris and the crew of Voyager. There was only so much she could cope with in a period of time. Which of course rebooted her brain with worry about how Tom was coping with not having friends and being surrounded by potentially hostile crewmembers. He'd made friends with the young and very impressionable Ensign Harry Kim, and of course he had her. But he needed more friends among the crew, or the journey home would be very long. She sighed softly. It was time for her to sleep. She needed to be well rested to deal with all the adjustments tomorrow would bring.

As she rose from her sofa, her door chime rang. She wasn't in the mood for visitors, but called for them to enter anyway. Tom stood in her doorway, clad in his pajamas. He poked his head in, but didn't actually enter until she waved him in.

"What can I do for you, Mr. Paris?" She asked with a concerned tone. Again she addressed him as 'Mister' instead of by his name. It stung a little, but he was determined to win her over.

"I was just looking for company. If I'm keeping you up, I'll go." He was hesitant to intrude on her private time.

"You're fine. Have a seat. I'll be back in just a moment. She disappeared into her bedroom for a moment before coming back. She had shed her uniform jacket, commbadge, pips and boots, as well as unpinned her hair. Tom was still standing where she left him. "What's up?"

"Bad dreams, the usual. I'm still getting used to hearing a ship when I'm trying to sleep." He answered, finally sitting. She was seeing the return of the fallen angel she had seen in Auckland.

"Nightmares?"

"Among other things. I keep expecting to wake up and see my prison walls again." She nodded.

"Do you want to talk about your dreams?"

"No. They'll stop eventually." He shrugged it off. She figured he'd been dealing with them for many years now.

"If they don't and you change your mind, I'm here, any time you need me, Tom." She paused for a moment. "Tell me something about yourself, Tom, something I wont find in any of your records." He looked startled at first by the change of subject and by the fact that she had finally called him by his name.

"My favorite color is green." He had blurted out the first thing to come to him and she knew it. She laughed, a bright, warm sound, and he couldn't help but smile as well. "I'm a sucker for Twentieth century technology like automobiles and TV." He added.

"I like Victorian era scenes myself."

"I've designed holoprograms. It's my favorite thing to do, other than flying."

"We'll have to test your skills." She smiled gently at him.

They chatted awhile longer before he excused himself to let her get some sleep. She contemplated him after he left. He was sweet and attentive to her needs. He was heaven in an earthly vessel, and he had already wormed his way into her heart. She wasn't sure if it was motherly compassion she felt, the care an older sister felt for a younger brother, or something more passionate, but it was there. She only hope her heart could handle him and what he seemed to be capable of making her feel.


	5. It Just Ain't Right

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 1: Set between Caretaker Part 2 and Parallax

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 2: Part 2 – It Just Ain't Right

The next few days were exhausting and tension filled. Thankfully the exhaustion seemed to keep the dreams at bay, for the most part. He still woke some nights gasping for breath, but things appeared to be improving. The other members of the crew, with the exception of Harry, Kes, Neelix, and the Captain, still eyed him with suspicion, but he could handle it. Chakotay and B'Elanna tolerated him at best when they had to work together, but ignored him off duty. He spent his free time working on holoprograms. His current project was recreating his favorite bar from France, Sandrine's.

A few more days passed and he began to get back into the swing of being a Starfleet officer. The crew still hadn't warmed up to him as such, but they seemed to tolerate him, or so it seemed.

He was running along the base of an outcropping, looking for somewhere, anywhere to hide. He could hear the shouts of his pursuers behind him. They were gaining. He stumbled again and again, but couldn't seem to coordinate his movements into his normal steady pace. He could feel the hysteria rising in him, and as hard as he pushed it down, it rose again that much stronger. He spotted a cave and started to make his way toward it, but each time he looked up, it was further away. It was like he was moving backwards, until he couldn't see it any longer. The shouts and cries were getting louder until he was surrounded five or six thick by jeering faces, some whole, some cut to pieces. The voices merged into one, hers. "You killed us, Tom. You killed me." Then they all reached to grab him, where he had curled up on the ground, and just as their hands began to take hold, he was awake and in his own bed.

He felt his breath come fast and short. The darkness was oppressive so he called for full lights. His quarters were illuminated, but he still felt closed in. He looked out and saw the stars zooming by his window. Seeing the stars began to calm him. It was the most intense and realistic dream he'd had in a while. He got up and paced to the sink to rinse the sweat of his face, before checking the chrono. It was just after midnight and he'd only been asleep for an hour. He wondered if she was still awake and if her offer to listen was still on the table. There was only one way to find out.

Tom put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before heading to her quarters. He didn't bother with shoes. When he arrived at her door, he hesitated over the signal. What if she were already asleep? What if she had company? Instead of pressing the chime, he knocked on the door and waited.

Kathryn heard the knock from where she was sitting, watching the stars. She called for the person to enter, curious as to who would be at her door after midnight. She should have guessed it would be Tom.

"Tom, what can I do for you?" She asked. She took in his tired and tense appearance, guessing it was dreams again.

"Does your offer still stand?" He asked without preamble. It took her a moment to figure out what he was referring to.

"Of course. Come sit down." She gestured to the spot next to her on the couch. He sat gingerly and she was seeing her fallen angel appear. Tom stumbled a bit over his words, telling her about the dreams he'd been having. She listened politely, not interrupting him, her face holding only attention and compassion. When he was finished, she took his hand in hers. She could see the tension in him still. She wasn't sure what to do, but he made the first move by laying his head on her shoulder. She curled her fingers lightly around his neck, laying her cheek against the top of his head. She felt the tension slowly drain from him as she held him.

"Thank you, for listening." It was said so softly she almost didn't hear him.

"You're welcome, anytime." Came her equally soft reply. Tom stayed in his position for another moment, before sitting up. It felt so wonderful to rely on someone else and so right that it would be her.

"You know, the feeling is mutual. If you ever want to talk, I'm here." He said. She nodded in acceptance, surprised that even when he needed comfort the most, he could still offer her the same thing. It just wasn't right, but it felt so good. He left her then stating they both needed to get some sleep.

As she lay in bed that night, her thoughts turned to Tom again. He was a disaster, but a beautiful one, and they had started something. She wasn't sure what it was yet, but it was something indeed.


	6. Through The Tears And The Laughter

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 2: Threshold

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 3: Part 1 – Through The Tears And The Laughter

When the Transwarp project began, she thought it was genius. He was a genius. It had been a year and a half since they'd landed in the Delta Quadrant and in that time she'd seen Tom make friends with the crew, and in general grow as a person. He smiled, he laughed, he worked hard, and he tried to be the best person he could be. He was succeeding. His nightmares slowly stopped, but he still spent time with her, always made time for her, when she needed him. But now he was dying, all because he knew how much she wanted to go home. The Doctor said he'd tried everything he could, but they were losing him and she blamed herself for the fact that she was losing her best friend.

Then he as gone. A few hours later she got the call from the Doctor, that he wasn't in fact dead, but transforming. She had to remind herself not to run in the corridors as she made her way down to see him. When she arrived and saw him, she was in shock. He suggested that she was repulsed, but she wasn't, she was worried. He raged at her. She could see he was afraid. It was the hardest thing she'd done when she turned away and walked out after he begged her to stay and raged at her again. She had to go though. She had duties, and if she stayed, they, the Doctor, Kes, and Tom would have seen her cry.

Later when Tom kidnapped her and took her at transwarp speed away from Voyager, she wasn't sure exactly what happened. It all seemed fuzzy. The Doctor restored them to their human forms and left them to talk. She sat next to him on the biobed. He wouldn't look at her.

"Tom." She prompted him, but he still didn't look up.

"I'm sorry. I know that it doesn't cover things, but I am, about, well…" He trailed off, not able to finish his thought. She knew what he was trying to say.

"Tom, how do you know I didn't initiate it? The female in many species does." She was giving him an out. "I don't know what happened, but I do know this: No matter what, you were still the first person to fly at warp ten. Don't worry about the rest."

"So we're good." He looked so vulnerable, she didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. She settled for a watery smile as she gathered him into her arms and hugged him, her beautiful disaster.

Later that evening when both were settled into their separate quarters, they lay awake and thinking. He wondered if things were truly fine between them, if she would still be able to trust him after what he'd done. She'd said that they were fine, but that time of night, when he was alone with his thoughts, his doubts and insecurities plagued him. Only tomorrow would tell how things were. She on the other hand wasn't thinking about the possibilities of a change in her relationship with Tom, but about the children they left behind. The Doctor had told them that because of their changed state, their offspring had no human DNA whatsoever. She hoped that they were well on the world where they'd be left to fend for themselves. She sighed softly. She had wanted children at some point, but that wasn't quite the way she had planned to go about it. With that she drifted off into sleep and dreams of laughing babies and tears of joy.


	7. And If I Could Hold On

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 2: Resolutions

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 4: Part 1 – And If I Could Hold On

He hates that they're leaving them behind. He also hates that she ordered them to not contact the Viidians. But most of all, he hates that she's there with Chakotay instead of him. He won't give up on getting her back. He knows she won't give up either, but without contacting the Viidians how do they have a chance? He knows Harry and the Doctor feel the same way, as does Kes. Neelix is on the fence as usual and Tuvok may not want to lost the Captain, but he will follow her orders to the letter. They will just have to forcibly change his mind. He only hopes she can hold on.

She hates leaving her ship. She also hates having to be planet bound for the rest of her life. But what she hates most of all is being here without Tom. She knows he won't give up on them, just like she can't give up either. She'll manage like she always has and so will he.

"Chakotay is already trying to make the planet home. He's dubbed it 'New Earth'. I can't say I agree. I miss my ship. I miss Tom. Chakotay's been watching me lately. I know what he wants. I know what he's thinking. He doesn't get that I'm not interested, that I'm just being nice. I can't give him what he wants. Now when every time I look at him, I see Tom's face in my mind. I won't say that I'm in love with my pilot, but I can't help but see the possibilities. I know its wrong but while my feelings are less than love, they are more than friendship. I guess its affection and a little bit of hope. And if I could find a cure here, if I could hold one…Kathryn Janeway's personal log." She ended it abruptly as Chakotay entered their shelter.

She was hunched over her PADD's. he left her alone for a while, but when she started to rub her neck, he couldn't resist the chance to get close to her. As he massaged her neck and shoulders, he told her an impromptu story. He knew she saw right through it, but at least she knew how he felt. He leaned in to kiss her and for a moment it seemed as if she would allow it, but a the last second she pulled away and retreated to her bed. As she lay there she made a written addition to her personal log.

"I hope I can hold on, because tonight, I almost didn't, and that scares me more than anything I've faced in the Delta Quadrant."

The night after they returned to the ship, Tom came to her. He didn't want to talk, he just wanted to be near her. He sat on the floor in front of the couch where she was draped on her stomach. She played with the ends of his hair and he simply held her free hand, content to be in her presence and to reassure himself that she was really there. He rose to return to his quarters after midnight.

"I didn't give in. I held on." She said as he started toward the door. He favored her with a true smile then.

"So did I." He answered and then left. She laughed and took herself to bed.


	8. Such A Beautiful Disaster

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 3: The Chute

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 5: Part 1 – Such A Beautiful Disaster

He was terrified. He could feel the panic rising every few minutes. He hated being caged. Hadn't he done his time already? He'd already been in prison. He was guilty that time, but this time he was innocent. And so was Harry. Harry was a good kid. He didn't deserve to be put in prison. Harry had never done anything wrong. He shouldn't be there with him. Neither one of them should be there. They were innocent for god-sakes. Didn't these people understand that? And why did they have to implant these devices in the back of their heads? They just made it harder for him to control his fear and the panic. He needed her. She always calmed him. He needed to hear her voice. He used to be able to conjure it into his mind. Thinking of her, had often saved him before when he felt his doubts and insecurities closing in. But he couldn't do it this time. The implant was making him crazy. He couldn't picture her because it was in his head. He couldn't hear her voice, because it wouldn't let him.

"Tom! Tom! Wake up!" Harry's voice cut through his wild thoughts. If he could focus on Harry, one of his best friends, then everything would be ok. He just had to focus.

"Thanks, I was getting lost in my own head there for a moment."

"No problem. Everyone is away now. We should try the disrupter and see if we can get up the chute."

"Sounds like a plan. Lets go before I get lost again." They made their way as quietly as possible to the chute and began their plan. However when they made it up the chute, it wasn't what they expected. They were on a floating prison. They weren't underground, but in space, with nowhere to go. Tom felt the despair creeping in again as they slid back down the chute and into a group of people. Somewhere in the scuffle Harry was knocked aside and Tom stood over him. But there were too many and someone stabbed Tom. Harry managed to keep their disruptor but only by a small margin of luck. When Tom turned to face him, he'd gone white as a sheet and there was blood over his hand and across his stomach.

"I've been stabbed." There was shock in his voice and Harry quickly grabbed hold of him and led him back to their cubbyhole. He found some rags and despite the fact that he wasn't sure about their cleanliness, used them to bind Tom's wound. He secretly hoped that the Captain would come soon. They desperately needed her. A few hours later, Tom began to cry out in his sleep and pain.

"Kathryn, I need you. Why cant I see your face? Why wont you talk to me? Why cant I hear you? Please! Kathryn!" He called over and over. Harry did his best to comfort him, and after a while his cries turned to soft mumbles of her name. Harry had an idea of who he was calling for, but didn't realize that Tom and the Captain were that close. No matter what, he hoped she would come soon.

Harry heard the warning buzz for food and dragged Tom with him to get some. By the time he made his way through and up, everything was gone. So he returned to Tom, but found some of the other inmates circling him like buzzards. Tom had held the disruptor for him, so he pushed his way through the crowd and took it from his slack fingers. Then he did what Tom had done for him. He stood over his friend and guarded. A few tried to press their luck, but soon discovered that Harry had good aim and decent strength when he chose to employ it. Then the chute opened and their rescue was at hand.

When he saw her standing there, phaser rifle in her hands like she'd been born with it, he thought he was hallucinating. But he wasn't. She was really there. He had called out for her and she had come to get them. She knew they were innocent. It made him rise from his prone position, with a little help from Harry, despite his weakened state and the stab wound in his gut.

"Captain." He rasped out. He had to tell her how glad he was to see her. She nodded at him, keeping her weapon on the others. She knew without him speaking, what he was trying to tell her. Harry braced his side as she called for transport and the ugly prison disappeared in the whine of the transporter. Somewhere in that time he passed out and woke up in Sickbay with her standing near him, watching him sleep.

She knew it had been hard on him. He had already given up, until he saw her, there to rescue him. He wasn't meant to stay in prison. He was a free spirit, her fallen angel. He looked at her then, and she moved closer, taking his out-stretched hand.

"I thought I'd lost you." She whispered, so as not to alert the Doctor to his being awake.

"I was pretty sure I was a goner too. Good thing you came to my rescue again." He answered, equally soft, his sense of humor already returning.

"Promise me you wont scare me like that again. I don't want to lose you."

"I'll do my best." He said it with a rakish grin. He was beautiful and so damaged.

"Such a beautiful disaster." She whispered, not even realizing she's said it out loud. His grin turned soft and reminiscent.

"My mom used to call me that. I was always getting into something, whether it was trouble or my curiosity. She never disciplined me or got angry. I guess it was overcompensation for my father being so strict with me. She always loved me for who I was. You remind me of her in that respect. Did you ever meet her?"

"Only once, the first time I met you, remember?"

"That's right. She passed away not long after that…"

"Does it bother you that I called you that?"

"No, I like it. It's very appropriate." She laughed softly as he smiled up at her.

"My beautiful disaster…"

Later, when she had gone to her quarters to get some much-needed rest, he met up with Harry in the Mess Hall. It was deserted at that particular time so they had it to themselves. They each ordered up a steak with a baked potato, salads, and for desert cherry pie with ice cream. They didn't speak much until they were to their deserts.

"I wanted to say thank you, Harry. You kept me going back there when I would have given in." Tom said suddenly.

"I didn't think I did that much."

"I was pretty out of it. But I remember this much. You were standing over me with that pipe in your hand. You said 'This is my friend and nobody is going to touch him.' I think I'll remember that for the rest of my life. I've never had a friend like you Harry. I hope you know that I'll always have your back, no matter what. So thanks."

"You did the same for me, when we came back don't the chute. You stood over me and got stabbed for protecting me. I was only right that I return the favor. Besides, who was I going to share this dinner with, if I didn't have my best friend with me?"

"Point taken." Tom went silent for a moment, thinking about the events that they'd just gone through. "Harry, after I was stabbed, did I say anything? I know I was pretty out of it, but did start babbling?" Harry studied his friend and debated whether or not to tell him about his calling out for the Captain. He decided that it was best his friend knew. Because if you couldn't be honest with your best friend, who could you be honest with?

"You called out for Kathryn a few times. Asking why you couldn't see her, or hear her, and why didn't she talk to you. Then you kept mumbling her name like a prayer. I was really worried for you at that point." Tom looked up sharply.

"Thanks for telling me, but could you do me a favor and just keep it between us, what I said?"

"Sure thing. Will you answer me one question though and we'll forget it ever happened?" Tom nodded. "Were you calling for the Captain?" Again he looked up sharply at his friend.

"Yes I was." He whispered in answer.

"Fair enough. As far as I'm concerned, this conversation never happened. How's your pie?" Tom gave Harry a look of thanks.

"Its great actually." They finished their meal in silence and separated to go off to their quarters for rest. However Tom made a detour on his way. He stopped and knocked gently on the Captain's door. She came to the door a moment later, slightly rumpled but awake.

"I wondered if you were going to come by to see me." She said softly.

"Only for a moment because we both could use some rest. I just wanted to say that Harry knows we're friends or whatever we seem to be. It seems that I like to call your name when I hallucinate. Don't worry though, he wont say anything. He promised he'd forget our conversation as soon as we were done having it." Tom looked down at his feet, sheepish. Kathryn just shook her head. She checked the corridor and finding it empty save them, placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"My beautiful disaster. That's good enough for me. Now go get some sleep. I expect to see you at the helm for Alpha shift." He favored her with a cheeky grin and headed off to his quarters. "Such a mess…" She muttered to herself and returned to her own bed.


	9. Hold On Tight

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 3: Coda

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 6: Part 1 – Hold On Tight

She saw herself die over and over, but it didn't seem real. She saw Chakotay holding her body, and she was outside that body, but she also walked around the ship. She was just invisible to the crew, even to Kes, but it still didn't seem real. Then this being who said he was her father, encouraged her to let go. Her rational brain couldn't accept it, didn't want to accept it. And in the back of her mind, she questioned how her father's spirit could find her in the Delta Quadrant; so far from the home they both knew. Throughout all of it, she kept hearing a voice.

"Hold on tight. Don't let go." At first she thought it was Chakotay, but that didn't seem right.

Suddenly she was at her own memorial service. She heard it again.

"Hold on tight. Don't let go." Then a touch like someone was gripping her hand, even though there was no one there. The being that had her father's face still encouraged her to let go, to enter some kind vortex. It felt wrong and the grip on her hand felt right.

"Kathryn, let go!" It screamed.

"Go back to hell." She yelled back. Then she was in Sickbay, her eyes slowly opening to see the Doctor, Kes, and Tom hovering around her. She could still feel the warm grip on her hand.

"Hold on tight. Don't let go." He whispered again and she squeezed back so he knew she heard him. "Oh thank god! I was afraid we'd lost you."

"No, still here." She croaked out. The Doctor leaned over, running a tricorder over again.

"Nice to have you back, Captain. You had a parasite in your cerebral cortex. We removed it, but I wasn't sure how much time it would take for you to wake." The Doctor stated. "Mr. Paris has been beside himself." Kes stifled a smile and Tom looked sheepish.

"Thank you, Doctor." She waited until they had gone back to his office before she turned to Tom. "My beautiful disaster. It was you I heard telling me to hold on, to not let go."

"Yes. I don't want to lose you." He was so earnest and sincere. He looked less and less like a fallen angel during the time they'd spent in the Delta Quadrant, but a handsome, mature, and wonderful man stood before her. "I love you, Kathryn. I have for a while. You've kept me sane for a long time, even when I was in Auckland. I don't ever want to leave you. I don't ever want to live without you." She was shocked speechless.

"Tom, I…" She couldn't even form a coherent thought. "Hold on tight, my beautiful disaster." She finally managed to squeak out. He knew what she meant, what she was trying to say, that she didn't want to lose him either, but that it was too much, too soon. He could wait though. He would hold on tight.


	10. He's Magic And Myth

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 4: Day Of Honor

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 7: Part 1 – He's Magic And Myth

She told herself that he was just being a good friend when it came to B'Elanna. She told herself over and over that he was in love with her, that he had said so and told her every chance he got. She told herself that B'Elanna was just having a bad day and he was trying to cheer her up. But no matter how many times she told herself, the jealousy refused to abate. Tom was her beautiful disaster and no ones else's.

So when he stopped by her ready room, with a carefully replicated rose of the purest purple she had ever seen, she felt guilty for even thinking her previous thoughts. He had noticed her mood and had made sure to take care of her as well. He was magic like that.

When they had to eject the warp core, it was a disaster of mythic proportions. Her focus had turned solely to her ship, all thoughts of her helmsman and chief engineer were put away in the back of her mind. She didn't even think twice about sending them to fetch the core in a shuttle. And when Voyager finally managed to limp after the shuttle and pick up B'Elanna and Tom's bodies from the deep of cold space, she did something she had never done before. She prayed to whatever deity would listen. She wasn't ready to release him yet. She hadn't told him how she felt. She needed more time with him. She prayed the whole way to Sickbay and when she saw him laid out on the biobed, heart beating steadily, her knees almost buckled in relief. So as not to create suspicion, she approached B'Elanna first.

"How are you, Lieutenant?" She asked with concern.

"I'm fine. Klingon's are tough. I'm more worried about Tom. He's not awake yet." Torres answered.

"I'm sure he'll be fine. Get some rest while you can." She patted the younger woman's shoulder and went to check on Tom. The Doctor approached as she studied her pilot.

"Captain." The physician greeted.

"How is he, Doctor?" She asked.

"He's going to be fine. He held on long enough for us to reach him."

"Thanks, Doc, I was sure I was a goner, again." Tom rasped, waking up.

"Your welcome, Lieutenant." With that he returned to his office, leaving Tom and the Captain alone.

"You scared me, Tom." She said finally.

"I didn't mean to."

"Then you're forgiven, my beautiful disaster."

"You may rescind that forgiveness when I tell you what happened out there."

"Do tell."

"Well I was kind of delirious, but I think I told B'Elanna I was in love with you, because we were talking about what we'd do if we survived, and I agreed to tell her who I was in love with, if she told me the same. She's besotted with Harry by the way. I'm not sure if I actually told her though. If I did, I'm sorry and you can trust her to keep quiet as well. If I didn't, then I hope nobody saw us holding each other in our space suits, because she plans on telling Harry shortly."

"You're still forgiven, but we really have to talk about what happens when you get delirious, or start hallucinating. I love you though, Tom, and nothing will change that." He looked shocked that she finally said it, before a silly grin broke out on his face.

"I'm happy for you both." B'Elanna said as she joined them. "Although I was a little skeptical about it. I thought he was messing with me."

"That's Tom. He's magic and myth." They all laughed, the laugh of easy camaraderie.


	11. A Tragedy With

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 4: Hunters

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 8: Part 1 – A Tragedy With…

Finding the relay array was a stroke of luck, previously unheard of in their four years in the Delta Quadrant, or so she had thought. Then the letters had come. Some were from her mother and her sister who still believed that she was alive. The last one was from Mark, her one time fiancé. Then when the Hirogen came, and tried to hunt the, down for trespassing, she had other things to worry over, and her letters were put on hold to read.

She tried to reason with the Hirogen. But all they seemed to care for was the hunt. They had no defined sense of territory, or a region that they claimed. All they wanted was the hunt and the relay was in happened to be within a set of coordinates that they hunted, thus it was theirs. She doubted that they had built. The array was very old. However they did manage to get letters to all the crew. She could only hope that once the current issue was resolved, that they could find a way to send letters home as well, so that all their loved ones would know that they were journeying home and that they were still alive.

Tom got a letter he didn't want. The last one Harry managed to snag was for him, from his father. He waited until they were clear of the Hirogen before he even looked at the message. He waited another two days before he finally decided to play the message. He regretted it almost immediately.

"Tom. I hear Captain Janeway pulled some strings to get you out of Auckland. I can't say I'm happy about that. I'm sure she'll keep you in line. Try not to screw up this time…" He turned off the message, unable to bear anymore of his father's scorn. He couldn't help but fell a small spark of hatred for the man. He had made Tom's life hell.

That evening, after the crisis with the Hirogen had passed and he had a moment alone with Kathryn, he told her about the message.

"I hate the man." Tom said finally, after he had played the message for her. "I have always disliked him, but after that I really hate him. All he has ever done is drive me away, or show disappointment when I didn't live up to his lofty expectations. You know there are days I wish I had been born a girl. I would never have had to put up with the shit he put me through if I had been born a girl. My sisters were never pushed into Starfleet. They were allowed to go in whatever direction they chose. He always showed them love no matter what they did. But not me, the youngest and the only boy, I couldn't do anything right." He laid his head in her lap, pressing his face into her stomach. She held him and ran her fingers through his hair, giving him the comfort he so desperately needed. She kept her letters to herself. That moment was about Tom, and she had an instinct that he would have nightmares that night. Kathryn sighed softly. She had a feeling that things had always been like the letter suggested, between Tom and his father. She had only been a party to a small part of their lives before. She had only seen the Admiral from a professional standpoint. She had talked to Tom when she had been at the Admiral's house for social functions, but that was still professional as they were all in uniform. Now she had a bit more of the picture to see, and she didn't like it one bit.

That night was the first night Tom stayed with her in her quarters. He was a little nervous about staying with her, but she told him she wasn't expecting anything. She only wanted to hold him awhile longer. He got a soft look in his eyes and hugged her close. She replicated him a pair of pajama bottoms to wear to bed and he left her alone in her bedroom to change into her nightgown. He hesitated in the doorway to her room, but she motioned for him to enter. He waited until she got into bed on her side, before climbing in next to her. He lay very still, afraid that if he touched her, she would throw him out. His insecurities were plaguing him, having been brought back to the forefront of his mind by his father's letter. She moved closer to him and laid a hand on his shoulder.

"It's ok, Tom. I'm not going to kick you out. I love you and I want you to stay here tonight." She felt him relax a left her hand on his shoulder, knowing he would have to convince himself to move closer to her. She was almost asleep when she felt him turn toward her and pull her flush against his chest. She wrapped her arm around his waist and snuggled in. They adjusted until they were both comfortable and finally fell into a restful sleep. Tom, despite the letter, and the memories that accompanied it, slept with out nightmares, thanks to the warm weight of Kathryn on his chest.

It was a few days later, when Kathryn told Tom about her own letter from Mark. It hurt to tell him because it felt like she was betraying him with the mere memory of Mark. Tom took it in stride. He had known that she was seeing someone when they left Deep Space Nine. He had wondered if she had received a letter from her lover, but the Hirogen and his own personal crisis with his own letter had derailed him from asking about it.

"So he's moved on with his life. He got married and they're expecting a baby, due any time now, from the date on the letter. I love you Tom, I don't want you to forget that. I really didn't expect him to wait for me. But it still stings, just a little that he moved on so soon after I was gone. I guess we didn't really love each other, but we wanted the same things, and we'd known each other all our lives. We were friends who thought we could build a life together. But I am happy that he has what he wants. And I love you, and I am very, very happy that you're in my life." Tom smiled up at her.

"It's ok, if you feel that sting. You didn't get to say good-bye. I understand that. I love you too Kathryn and I'm glad you're happy with me. I know I couldn't live without you. I want a life with you, however we have to make it. I know you've had lovers before. So have I. That doesn't change how I love you, or why. I love you and that's all that matters." Came his reply.

"You're so good to me." They shared a quick kiss. "You know in all that's been going on and listening to the letter from Mark, I still haven't listened to the ones from my mother and sister. Would you like to listen to them with me?" He nodded, and briefly wondered what it would be like to have such a loving family. Then another thought crossed his mind. If they ever made it home, or found a shortcut for that matter, he could quite possibly meet Kathryn's sister and mother, and experience it for himself. It was a thought that warmed his heart, before he tuned his attention back to her letters.

After her letters were played, they relaxed with each other on her couch. They talked of past lovers, of parents, of loss, and when they were through talking, they decided that they had seen enough tragedy to last several lifetimes.


	12. And Do I Try To Change Him

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 4: Vis A Vis

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 9: Part 1 – And Do I Try To Change Him

They had argued. Their first fight really. She knew she couldn't change everything about him, nor should she try. Sometimes it was hard to love him despite his insecurities. She knew he didn't want to lose her, just like she didn't want to lose him, but his doubts were holding them both back. There had been too many close calls for both of them and it was starting to put a strain on their relationship. It was one of the reasons Starfleet discouraged affairs between bridge officers, especially the Captain, because they had to be able to send that person into any situation, even one that might potentially get either one of them killed. She could handle that part. It was the aftermath that had been a strain on them. Him seeing her injured, or vice-versa, it was very difficult. Then Steth had come along and suddenly they didn't have any problems, because she hadn't seen him in three days. And she missed him. He had started to spend the night in her quarters after they had received the letters and he was there almost every night. She had gotten used to him and suddenly he wasn't there. She, who had always been an insomniac, found she could sleep easier with him there, and Tom's nightmares had all but stopped. So when she prepared for bed on the third night, without him, it was the last straw. She donned a casual outfit instead of her uniform and called for Tom's location. She was going to talk to him and sort out their problems, so that they would be ok. What she found however wasn't what she expected, when she walked into the shuttle bay. Not one to speak impulsively, she made an exception at that moment.

"What the hell is going on?" Tom just looked at her, then at Steth.

"Captain. I'm not sure what's going on. I just woke up. I think he hit me over the head and I think I hit him in the face, but I passed out after that." He answered.

"We should get both of you to Sickbay, and make sure both of you are ok, so that I can find out what happened.

"Sure, Captain. I wouldn't mind something for the headache he gave me." She nodded and called for a med-team to meet them in the shuttle bay. Things went downhill from there.

When Steth woke up he started claiming he was Tom. He begged and pleaded with her to listen to him, that he was really Tom. She had her doubts, so she went to confront Ton about it, as the Doctor had already released him. He attacked her and when she woke, she found herself in Tom's body. That's when she knew Tom was in Steth's body and Steth was in hers. She took herself to Sickbay to speak with the Doctor.

"Mr. Paris, what can I do for you?" The Doctor asked when she walked in.

"Actually, I'm Captain Janeway. I believe that Steth is somehow swapping bodies and that's really Tom." She said pointing at the man behind the force field. The Doctor looked at her strangely for a moment.

"That's easy enough to check. I have your medical records dating back to your birth. Would Tom know that you broke your arm?"

"I didn't break my arm. I broke my ankle when I was an Ensign aboard Admiral Paris' science vessel. Cardassians captured it. I broke my ankle while escaping with the Admiral and Justin, who later became my fiancé and then died with my father during a shuttle test flight in the Arctic. I was the only survivor." She answered.

"Then I would say you are Captain Janeway. Shall we test that Steth is actually Mr. Paris?"

"No, I know that's Tom. We need to get Chakotay to lock down the ship and me out of all the systems. As far as I know Steth doesn't have my access codes for the ship, but there are many areas he can access without them."

"Of course, Captain. I'll notify the Commander immediately." The Doctor went into his office and she could hear him speaking to her First Officer. She approached and deactivated the force field holding Tom in.

"I apologize for not believing in you. We've seen so many strange things, why should this be any different I don't know." She said softly.

"Don't worry about it. I just want my body back. I'm sorry, but I like you in your body and I would prefer my body. This is just too strange."

"I know what you mean. As much as I love you Tom, I would prefer to be a woman again. Do you know how odd it feels to suddenly be over six feet tall when you've barely topped five and half most of your life? It's disconcerting. It's also a good thing I'm not afraid of heights." Tom laughed a little, but it wasn't the sound she expected to hear. She wanted to hear his warm chuckle, not the harsh one coming from Steth's body.

"Well I shrank. This body feels so small to me."

"We're a mess, but I'm worried we were a mess before this even happened."

"I know. We actually fought. What did we fight about though? I can't remember."

"I don't remember either. But I have questions for you." He nodded. " Have I tried to change you too much? Am I pushing you too hard to be what I want?"

"No, not really. In fact you ask very little of me and I think that's the problem. You don't ask enough of me and my insecurities rear their ugly heads, and I start to think you don't care as much as I do. I know you get frustrated with my doubts, but I'm trying to work past them."

"I love you Tom. I just don't want to make my love into a cage for you. I don't know how far to go with you. I want to ask more from you, but I'm not sure what's too much or too soon."

"I love you too. Don't worry about too much or too soon. I'll tell you if we're moving too fast, just as I hope you'll tell me if I move too fast for you. I don't want to lose you."

"I don't want to lose you either." The entrance of Commander Chakotay with Steth in her body, cut off her statement. She had a sudden sense of violation.

"Commander put him behind the force field so that the Doctor can examine him and we can work toward putting everyone back in their proper body." He nodded and Steth was sealed behind the force field. Chakotay pulled her aside afterward.

"Its really you in there, Captain?"

"Yes Chakotay. I have two words for you, 'Angry Warrior'." He smiled slightly. "You have the Bridge, Commander."

"Aye, Captain." He turned are fled to the Bridge.

Several hours later, the Doctor managed to put them all back where they belonged. She and Tom headed toward the Bridge so as to set a course to Steth's home planet. Once there, they would turn him over to the authorities, and be on their way.

Once their shift was completed, the Captain invited Tom to have dinner with her, in her quarters. They ate in companionable silence, then curled up on her couch together, arms wrapped around each other, to watch the stars.

Later when they lay spooned together in bed, and Tom had fallen asleep, Kathryn wondered how to change his insecurities, or if she should try to change him at all, or let him came to things one his own. She shook her head slightly. She would let him come to things on his own. It would mean more that way, to both of them.


	13. More Damage Than A Soul Should See

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 5: Night

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 10: Part 1 – More Damage Than A Soul Should See

She hated the Void, as her crew had begun to call it. She hated not being able to see the stars that had been her constant companion for the last five years. No stars gave her too much time to think and very little to do. Tom was off creating his new holoprogram, something to do with old Earth television shows on space. She found it slightly ridiculous and thus far, had left him to it.

She had assigned Harry bridge shifts where he was in charge, under the watchful eyes of Tuvok. She briefly wondered how her Chief of Security was fairing in this emptiness, as he often used the stars to meditate. The thought was short lived as her door chime called for her immediate attention. She muttered a brief 'Enter' but didn't bother to turn from the view port, to see who had entered.

"Captain." Chakotay prompted.

"Yes, Commander?" She answered, still considering the vast nothingness outsider her window.

"I have some suggestions on how to maintain crew alertness." He paused, and then continued when she didn't answer. "I think we should rotate the crew through different sections. It gives them something new to do, as well as gives them training in other areas, just in case."

"Very well. Implement a schedule of rotations. However, I want everyone back at their proper posts if we go to yellow or red alert."

"Yes ma'am. Captain?" She finally turned to face him.

"Was there something else, Commander?"

"The crew is concerned that they haven't seen you around. You haven't been to the Mess Hall. You rarely sit the Bridge, and you haven't walked the ship in weeks. The crew takes strength and comfort from seeing you."

"I'm sure they crew is doing fine. I trust you to handle any issues that arise."

"Yes ma'am." He said with a sigh, before exiting.

Captain Janeway turned back to her view port. They were fifty-three days into an expanse that would take two years to cross. This was the moment when all her past actions came back to haunt her, like old ghosts that refused to leave her in peace. It wasn't the first time it had happened, and each time she hoped it would be the last. But this Void, this emptiness, could be the one to break her. She had already started the cycle five days after entering the Void. Each time she relived her regrets and what ifs, she sank deeper and deeper into her depression.

She had a sudden, sweet and painful ache for Tom. He would understand. He always understood. It was more than she could resist, so she threw on her jacket and started for the door. Just as she reached it, the power of the ship started to fluctuate, before failing completely. All thoughts of seeing her lover went out of her head. Her concentration went to finding her phaser rifle and a flashlight. She found Neelix almost immediately after leaving her quarters. He was having one of the panic attacks that had afflicted him since entering the Void. She calmed him as best she could, before taking him along to find out what was happening to her ship. They discovered the aliens as they rounded a corner and quickly neutralized them. Outside, her ship was surrounded by the Void aliens' ships. They were assisted by another alien vessel, a species known as the Malon. The captain of the ship that helped them was named Emck. He explained about the Void aliens, how they attacked every ship they encountered. She got the feeling he wasn't telling her everything. The native alien ships broke off and took their people with them, with the exception of the one Seven had knocked unconscious on the holodeck. Captain Janeway questioned him about the region of space and the reason they attacked. The Void alien told them about how the Malon dumped toxic waste into their region of space, and how it was killing their people. She was contacted by the Malon again when they discovered she had one of the Void aliens aboard her ship. As trade, they offered passage through the Void, by a vortex, if they agreed to hand over the alien. The Captain couldn't hand over the alien, but she didn't want to spend two years crossing the Void either. She returned the Void alien to his people, and set about creating a plan for getting her crew through the vortex and out of the Void.

Captain Janeway decided that they had to collapse the vortex in order to stop the Malon, after they refused to implement clean recycling, like Voyager used. She decided that she would send Voyager through, and that she would stay behind in a shuttle to collapse the vortex. Of course the Commander told the crew and they refused to leave her behind, especially Tom, who would probably have many things to say about the whole idea when they were alone. She had thought it was a viable solution, as she had been the one to get them into so many scrapes. It was her fault they were stranded in the first place. But they overruled her. It was almost a mutiny, she thought to herself. A backup plan was formed. They would collapse the end that entered the Void and ride the shockwave out. There was no guarantee that they would make it all the way out of the Void that way, but at least they would be closer to home than they were at that moment. They implemented the plan and fought their way through the Malon and into the vortex. They flew through it at maximum speed, staying barely ahead the shockwave following them. They escaped by the skin of their teeth. She called for the view screen. At first there was nothing to see. Then little by little the stars began to appear. She felt the tension ease, and the ghosts of her actions melt away. She felt a small sense of accomplishment. They had managed to shave two years off their journey home.

She wanted to share the moment with Tom, but the time and place were wrong. She needed to keep her Captain's face to make sure her ship and crew were well, and Tom was busy at the helm. It would have to wait until they were alone.

"Now there is a welcome sight." Tom said suddenly, as a bright nebula appeared on the screen.

"Harry, what do you see out there?" She asked.

"I see a densely packed region with thousands of star systems. It looks pretty lively." He answered enthusiastically. She couldn't help the smile that crept across her face.

"Full speed ahead."

Later that evening, when she and Tom were alone, she snuggled into his embrace and watched the stars blurring past the view port. He held her tightly, reveling in her closeness. It had been absent emotionally and physically in the last weeks since entering the Void.

"I hope you know that I would have locked you in your quarters, if you had decided to leave us, and nobody else stepped in to stop you. The thought of taking the shuttle and collapsing the vortex so the rest of us could get through, should have never crossed your mind. Or at the very least, you should have said we would collapse the vortex. I wouldn't have let you go alone, if you were bound and determined. I have to say that I much prefer this outcome though. Its much more comfortable on the ship than it would have been living on the shuttle." Tom said after a while. She smiled into his chest. He would never have left her, nor would he let her leave him.

"Tom." She paused to gather her thoughts. "I want to apologize for the way I treated you while we were in the Void. I lost sight of the stars, and it was like I lost myself too. I kept reliving my past regrets and actions and I was sinking into a depression. I didn't let you in and I know I should have. But I couldn't see past myself to see you. I'm sorry for that. Tom, it seems I have these damaged places in me and I can't always cope with them. But, I love you, always."

"Shh. Kathryn, I understand. I have my own damaged places as well. We all deal with them differently. You, who hold everything in, can't escape them, and I run from mine, into the fantasy world of the holodeck. I love you Kathryn, and I want us to be able to share our damaged places too. If you'll let yours out, I wont run from mine. Deal?"

"Deal. But I hope we can survive the wreckage. We both have too much damage for one soul to bear."

"We'll manage. We have two souls between us to carry the load."


	14. So Hard Not To Blame Him

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 5: Thirty Days

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 11: Part 1 – So Hard Not To Blame Him

It was hard to look at him, as she stripped him of his rank. She had to keep an iron grip on her control, because at that moment, she wanted to throttle him. She was so angry with him, and if it had been an appropriate venue, she would have yelled at him as well. As it wasn't, they would both have to settle for cold control and icy glares. She knew he hated that from her. He wanted a heated temper, because he could react to it. He froze in the face of a cold one, shut down, and backed behind his defenses. She could see him doing it at that very moment, as she sentenced him to thirty days in the Brig. Then he was escorted away. She would go see him, later, after her temper had abated. But not then, it was still too fresh, the betrayal she felt as a Captain. As Kathryn, she knew she was the one who hurt him, but that needed time too, because at that moment, she was having trouble separating her two selves.

Tom berated himself silently, the whole way to the Brig. As an officer, he should have left the situation with the Meneans alone. He violated the Prime Directive by interfering with the way they did things. He also, in a sense, committed a terrorist act against them. He was such an idiot. Once again, he had let his crooked sense of injustice get him into trouble. He knew better and had gone and done it anyway. No one liked what was going on, on the Menean planet, but it wasn't their right to interfere. But he'd gone rogue and quite possibly destroyed what little respect and honor he had managed to earn aboard Voyager.

Then there was the Captain. Oh how he wanted to kick himself. He had betrayed her, not only as an officer, but her trust in him as a person. How could she trust his love, if he undermined her authority as Captain? How could she trust him at all? Oh how he hated himself at that moment.

The guards escorted him to a cell, and sealed him behind the force field. He slammed his hand against the wall above his new bunk and cursed loudly. His single guard on duty, flinched, thankful that the prisoner's back was turned, so it wasn't seen. It was going to be a very long month.

It took three days for her anger to cool enough to go see him. She knew Harry, B'Elanna, and the Doctor, had already gone to see him. She was sure that Harry and B'Elanna had agreed with Tom, that something had to be done, she agreed as well. However his method was not the way to go about it. She walked into the Brig with her Captain's Mask firmly in place. The crewman on duty flinched again. He'd never been that close to the Captain before, and wasn't sure he wanted to be again.

"Wait outside, Crewman." She ordered, not even looking in his direction. He moved out so quickly, the doors were barely open far enough to let him pass through. Tom felt a smile tug at the corner of his mouth.

"You scared him, Captain." He said casually, when she approached his cell.

"It was unintentional." She replied, letting the Captain's mask drop with the force field. "We need to talk."

"Yes, we do." He waited, unsure if she wanted to speak first, or if he should. She sat beside him on the bench, and when she didn't say anything, he continued. "I want to start off by saying that I'm sorry. I betrayed the crew, the principles we stand for as officers, and most of all I betrayed you. I wanted to do something to make the Meneans see how much harm they were doing. So much so, that I didn't stop and think about the consequences of my actions. There are different and much better ways than what I did. What I did was very wrong. I had no business interfering like I did. I was wrong and I regret every minute of it. I'll even make a formal apology to the Meneans, if you want me to." He blurted out.

"I don't think that's wise. It took a lot to keep them from wanting to execute you. So my apology on your behalf will have to suffice. As for betraying the crew, I think you'll find that many agree with what you did. That doesn't make it right, but you'll be hard pressed to find someone beyond the senior staff, to say you were wrong. As Captain, I can say that what you did was wrong, and you should be punished. Which you are. Do you understand that it was the Captain who reduced you in rank, and ordered the thirty days? That's it was the professional part of me, not the personal?" He nodded easily. "Good, because as Kathryn, I'll say I don't agree with your method, but I agree that something had to be done. Are we clear on that?" He nodded again.

"I understand, but when this is over, will you be able to trust me as an officer, and as your lover?"

"Is it ever going to happen again?"

"No, I can't say it will."

"Then I can trust you, because in anything you've promised to me, you've never broken your word. I love you Tom, nothing will ever change that."

"I love you too, Kathryn." She hugged him and kissed him softly on the lips before returning to her duties.

Tom sighed. It was going to be a long thirty days and he was sure the nightmares would return full force, during his time in the cell. Unsure of what to do, he began composing a letter to his father, about how he screwed up and landed himself in another cell.

The days passed slowly for everyone. Alpha shift missed their cheery pilot. Kathryn missed her friend and lover. Harry and B'Elanna missed their friend. Tom missed everyone and everything. Most of all, he missed Kathryn, seeing the stars, and having space to move around.

On the day of his release, Tom couldn't sit still. So he paced. He wanted out so badly, he could almost taste the freedom. Finally the force field was released and he was free to go. He made a beeline to his quarters for a quick shower and a fresh uniform. He checked his console. Alpha shift was over and he was to report for duty the next morning at his usual time. After his shower and a shave, he gave one last look to the letter he had started for his father, and threw it aside. He wouldn't bother with the man who had made his life hell. He had more important people to think about at that moment.

He headed straight to Kathryn's quarters once he was dressed. She was waiting for him with open arms. He scooped her up and kissed her passionately. That night, they made love like it was the first time. And when they spooned together in the afterglow, Kathryn whispered softly that she didn't blame him, but that she loved him very much, just before they both dropped into contented slumber.


	15. I Don't Know What He's After

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 5: Bride Of Chaotica

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 12: Part 1 – I Don't Know What He's After

When they ran aground on the subspace sandbar, she thought it was just another hitch in their long journey home. On top of that, she was already distracted by Tom's obsession with 'Captain Proton'. Every time she thought of him in his black and white holonovel, she had to laugh. But he got to be Captain for a little while and it made him happy, so she just sat back and watched.

Then trouble arrived in the form of Tom's holoprogram. What was it about historical programs that attracted other photonic beings, she wondered. First it was the Beowulf program, and now Captain Proton. It was almost as bad as a time paradox.

The photonic aliens were at war with Tom's created evil character, Dr. Chaotica. Once they spoke with the aliens in the guise of Captain Proton characters and got them to agree to let them end the war, Tom came to see her. She could see the gleam in his bright blue eyes. She knew he as after something, but she wasn't sure what. The gleam turned into a twinkle as he explained what he wanted. She had done holocharacters, mostly Victorian era, but nothing like what he had asked. It amused her that he came to her first, for the role. But she couldn't. She told him no.

"But Captain, you're the only one who could do it. You're the Captain. Think of it as a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a Queen." He begged. Then he pouted. She hated it when he pouted. She could never resist him when he did that.

"Alright. I'll be your Arachnia." She said finally just to get him to stop pleading with her.

"Great. What size do you wear?" That was unexpected. She raised an eyebrow. "For the costume." Her eyebrow rose a little higher, before she sighed and shook her head.

"Size four, Mr. Paris." He gave her his happy boyish grin, the one he always gave her when he got her to do something he wanted. That smile was the reason she gave in most times. He was always so sweet. It was just another reason she loved him so much. Tom dashed off to make his plans while she went to her ready room to contemplate what she'd gotten herself into.

When it was all said and done, Queen Arachnia and Captain Proton defeated Dr. Chaotica and sealed the rifts between their dimension and the realm of the photonic aliens. Everything was back to normal.

"So Captain Proton saves the day again." She said lightly as they made their way out of the holodeck.

"And he's had his last adventure." Tom answered.

"Really? Don't you have more chapters to go?"

"Yes, but I'm done. I've had too many problems with this program. This was the last straw. Although, I must say you make an absolutely spectacular Queen of the Spider People."

"Why thank you. I rather enjoyed being Queen, but then I am the Captain." They approached her quarters and she led them in. They were still in costume.

"Chakotay to Captain Janeway."

"Janeway here." She answered.

"It seems we're clear of the subspace sandbar."

"Very well, continue on our heading. You have the bridge Commander. Janeway out."

"Am I to report to the Bridge, Captain?" Tom asked.

"Don't you mean 'Your Majesty'?"

"Of course, your Majesty."

"No, I do believe Queen Arachnia would like to weave a web around Captain Proton." He smiled at her, a devilish grin she so rarely saw.

"By all means, my liege." He flourished a bow. She pulled him close.

"I love you, Captain Proton."

"And I love you, Queen Arachnia."


	16. He's Only Happy Hysterical

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 6: Alice

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 13: Part 1 – He's Only Happy Hysterical

When they came across the alien junkyard, Tom shook it off. They would pick up a few metal scraps; maybe some usable relays and they'd be on their way. Then he saw the shuttle. It was floating like a jewel among the garbage. He knew he had to get his hands on her.

"Captain, may I speak with you?" He asked turning from his station.

"Of course, Mr. Paris, my Ready Room. Commander, you have the Bridge." She led the way. "What can I do for you, Tom?" She asked when they were alone.

"There's a shuttle out there that would be nice to have, just in case one of ours is damaged." He glanced toward the Bridge pointedly. He was about to start pleading, and perhaps pouting. She smiled at his pointed look. Chakotay was bad about damaging the shuttles. She thought it over for a few more minutes.

"I'll see what it will cost us to get it. If it's too much, then we'll have to pass on it."

"Of course." He looked like a child at Christmas.

"Back to your station."

"Yes ma'am." As he left, Chakotay came in.

"And what has Mr. Paris so excited?" He questioned.

"He spotted a shuttle among the junk. I'll see how much Abbadon wants for it."

"I see. That's probably a good idea. Can I discuss something with you?"

"Of course. Professional or personal?" She said with a smile. She had noticed the way he had been watching Seven.

"Some of both. You and Tom have always been open about your relationship. You don't hide it and you don't flaunt it. If you've had problems, you've kept them out of the work environment and in private areas. You've set a good example for the crew on a steady relationship between officers. But several people have approached me about why you and Tom aren't living together or why you haven't married yet. You've been together for four years." She thought about it for a moment and wondered the same thing.

"While we've been open about our relationship, we've never wanted to be showy about it either. I guess we could. Most of Tom's things are in my quarters anyway. As for marriage, we've never discussed it. Tom has never been engaged but I've been there twice and both times ended badly. He probably knows that I'd be wary of trying again."

"I see. I will tell the crew to mind their own business."

"Its fine. I like to know what the crew thinks of our relationship."

"Everyone I've spoken to approves. They want a happy Captain and Tom fits the bill for you."

"Thank you for bringing it to my attention, Chakotay." He nodded and returned to the Bridge. She sat for a few more minutes to mull over Tom moving into her quarters permanently. He spent most nights there anyway. She found she liked the idea of having all his things in her quarters instead of a shirt here or a PADD there. She wanted that intimacy. She would discuss it with him at dinner. Right then she had a shuttle to barter for.

That evening she used her precious replicator rations to make a special meal for Tom. When he entered her quarters, he was surprised to find the meal and a casually dressed Kathryn waiting for him. He gave her a rare full smile that melted her heart. She loved it and him. Everything about him made her heart beat faster.

"What's the occasion?" He asked.

"Two reasons, but go change first then I'll tell you." She answered. He nodded, smile still in place and moved toward her bedroom to change into something casual. He came back a moment later and sat down at the table with her.

"Please tell me. The suspense is killing me." He begged.

"Ok, first, for the price of Neelix's leola root stew recipe and a supply of roots, we now have an extra shuttle. It will be your job to restore it to working order, since you're the one who found it." Tom let out a whoop and his smile went even wider, if possible.

"And the second thing?"

"Well that's a little more delicate. Chakotay told me some of the crew were wondering why we aren't living together and why we haven't gotten married yet, as we've been together so long. I wasn't sure what to say, other than we'd never discussed it. I gave it some thought and realized, I never asked you flat out to move in. I like having you here. I want the intimacy of knowing I share my home with the man I love. So I wanted to ask you to move in with me." Tom just stared, before his smile returned, a softened version of the previous one.

"I've been waiting for you to ask me. I didn't want to push you too much by just dumping my stuff on you." He stood and pulled her into a swift kiss, happier than he'd ever been in his life.

"I really do want you here, Tom. I love you so much."

"I'm glad, and I love you too." They finished dinner and then went to Tom's old quarters to gather the rest of his things. There wasn't much left as more than half of his clothes had already migrated to her closet. As they passed them in the corridor, crewmembers smiled to see Tom moving the rest of his belongings into the Captain's quarters.

The next day, Tom began work on the new shuttle, which he named Alice. As he fixed the damaged systems, he discovered Alice could be piloted by a neural interface. He had the Doctor look over it to make sure it would be compatible with a human pilot. The Doc gave it the ok. So he tried and linked up with Alice. He fell in love with the shuttle all over again when he did the test flight. Everything was instantaneous. There were still so many modifications to make so that the shuttle would be Starfleet regulation.

As time went on Kathryn, and everyone else for that matter, noticed his behavior change. She knew something was wrong, because he spent all his time with the shuttle. He didn't sleep; he didn't shave or bother with a clean uniform. He looked tired and frantic all the time. And each time Kathryn tried to talk to him, or be close to him, as they had before discovering Alice, he would turn hysterical. So she decided to see the shuttle herself, see if it were sentient.

The ship all of a sudden came to life and shut her in, turning off life support. She didn't want to die that way, but she secretly hoped that Tom would find her in time. And suddenly he was there and holding her, taking her out of the shuttle. She begged him then to deactivate the neural interface. She knew something wasn't right. He wouldn't listen to her.

Alice had control of him. She flew them toward a particle fountain. She called it home. Captain Janeway knew she couldn't fire on Alice because Tom was still linked to her, and the damage would hut of kill him. She had Lieutenant Torres tap into the interface so Tom could hear her alongside of Alice. She pleaded with him to hold onto her instead of the shuttle. She said she loved him over and over. Tuvok managed to get in and sever the link, then beam him out before Alice was destroyed.

He was in Sickbay, yet again, was his first thought. Next came the shame of his behavior as he remembered what had happened. She was there smiling at him.

"How's the head?" She asked lightly.

"A little fuzzy around the edges but not too bad, especially the memory. Its kicked in a warp nine."

"It wasn't your fault. There was no way to know how that link would affect you, or that Alice was sentient. I do expect you to be dressed and have a shave for your next shift though."

"What, you don't like the beard?" He joked, stroking the stubble.

"No, I don't. See you this evening." With that she was out the door, back to her duties. Tom shook his head. She stirred him up so much. He wondered if there was truth to the statement 'Only happy hysterical.' Perhaps he was the proving ground. As soon as the Doc cleared him, he was off to his quarters, their quarters, for a shower and a shave. Their quarters, he mulled it over again. He liked the way it sounded.


	17. I'm Longing For Love And The Logical

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 6: Fairhaven

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 14: Part 1 – I'm Longing For Love And The Logical

He was thinking about the conversation they'd had a few months before. She had mentioned the crew wondering why they hadn't married. Ever since that moment he'd been thinking about being Kathryn Janeway's husband, the Captain's husband. He liked the idea, but he wasn't sure how to go about asking her, so that she wouldn't balk from the idea. As he lay curled around her, with his thoughts curled around his head, he had to resist the desire to wake her and ask her then and there. She sighed and shifted to face him.

"Go to sleep, Tom. All your thinking is keeping both of us awake." She mumbled sleepily.

"Yes, ma'am." He whispered and shoved aside the thoughts of marriage. It was not the time to bring it up. Slowly he drifted off to sleep, breathing in the scent of Kathryn.

The next day passed easily. He worked his shift on the Bridge, then in Sickbay. Once that was finished, he spent an hour working on his new holoprogram, a small Irish town called Fair Haven. Kathryn was reading when he came in. He sat on the floor beside her. She reached out and rested her hand on his shoulder, her fingertips caressing his neck. Neither spoke for long moments.

"Kathryn, I want to ask you something. It's been on my mind for awhile." He paused and she looked at him, surprised at his seriousness, giving him her full attention. "Kathryn will you marry me?" She was surprised and had a sudden feeling of sickening fear in her chest. Tom saw it in her face.

"I don't know how to answer you. I'm so afraid of marriage, of being engaged again. The first time I lost my father and fiancé to death in the same accident. The second time I lost myself in the Delta Quadrant. What if I lost you or you left me. I don't think I could handle it again."

"So we don't get engaged. We'll go now and have Chakotay marry us. No engagement. I love you Kathryn. I want us to be together forever."

"I love you too, Tom, but I'm not ready. I need time to think."

"It's not hard, a yes or a no will do."

"Then no, I'm not ready."

"As you wish then." He got up and left their quarters before she could stop him.

When Tom finally had the program up and running, he opened Fair Haven to the entire crew during the ion storm. It had been a week since he and Kathryn had argued. They had been a little quieter on duty and Tom had taken his uniforms back to his old quarters. He was still upset and he could tell Kathryn was still angry that he's tried to push her. He wanted to apologized but wasn't sure she'd hear him. He decided to write her a message. Once he sent it he returned to the holodeck to check the program's status and if there were any problems. He found Kathryn already there. She ignored him.

Chakotay saw Kathryn talking with the barkeep. He also saw Tom poke his head in and then exit again. He didn't really think much of it at first. But then he thought back to how quite they had been on the Bridge and wondered if they were having problems. Later he saw the Captain out and about with the new version of the barkeep, he began to worry. He decided to step in when he saw a very miserable Tom watching them. It was time to speak with her.

"Kathryn." He called for her attention as she left the holodeck.

"Yes, Chakotay."

"I'm worried about you and Tom. Did you two have a fight?"

"Yes, but it's not your business."

"Whatever it is, you and Tom are made for each other. You should try to work it out. He loves you, Kathryn, and you're killing him." He said and walked away, leaving her with her thoughts.

She knew she was hurting Tom. She went looking for him, but he wasn't anywhere she could find and she ended up back at the holodeck, at Sullivan's with Michael. They were alone and she couldn't resist kissing him. Tom wasn't there when she needed him, so she turned to Michael.

Tom went looking for Kathryn, but couldn't find her. He went to her quarters and rang the chime, but there was no answer. It was time for their problems to end. He ended up in Sullivan's after the Captain had gone back to the Bridge. Then Michael had started a brawl. Tom could guess why. There was just something about Kathryn that could drive a man crazy. The Captain heard about the brawl and went to speak with the Doctor about what was going on. The Doctor was less than pleased with her.

"Captain, tampering is wrong. It's like me brainwashing you into a new person. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to Michael Sullivan or Tom, for that matter. And what about Tom? Why are you gallivanting around with Michael when you have Tom?"

"Tom and I argued. He asked me to marry him, but I'm not ready. He pushed the issue with me and I told him no. He left."

"Apologize and let him apologize to you. Fix your issues and leave Michael Sullivan out of it." Kathryn nodded guiltily, and with a sigh of slight exasperation over the Doctor's frank tone.

The ion storm hit with full force and knocked out most of Voyager's systems. She didn't get a chance to say good-bye to Michael before hand. The program suffered major damage and while the basics of it could be save, finer details were lost. Harry approached her to ask about saving Michael Sullivan's character. She thought about it for a moment and told him to keep Michael's character as he was before she'd tampered with the program, then to lock her out of the program controls. Then she contacted Tom.

"Mr. Paris, would you come by my quarters after shift? I have something I'd like to speak with you about." She called over the comm.

"Yes, ma'am." Was his simple and curt reply.

Tom was miserable walking up to her door. He wasn't sure what to expect. She had either read his message and ignored him until that moment, or ignored the message all together. He rang the chime and entered when the door opened.

"Tom." She said softly when he entered.

"Captain." He answered formerly as she came right up to him and invaded his personal space.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you, Tom. I was scared and so I acted out like a child. I hurt you and I hurt myself. I hope you can forgive me."

"Kathryn, I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have pushed you about something like that. I love you no matter what."

"I love you too, Tom. I just wasn't sure how to get past my fear. I want love and logic, but love isn't logical so I couldn't see how marriage could be either. But I see now that it doesn't matter, as long as we're together."

"I couldn't agree more." She kissed him softly, and they held each other tight. "So would now be a good time to ask you to marry me?"

"Yes, Mr. Paris."

"So will you marry me?"

"Yes." He picked her up and spun her around. When he put her down he pulled a ring out of his pocket and put it on her finger. He had been carrying it around for weeks and now it had a home.


	18. I'm Waiting For Some Kind Of Miracle

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 7: Unimatrix Zero – Part 2

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 15: Part 1- I'm Waiting For Some Kind Of Miracle

They were finally alone. After the fiasco they'd made of their relationship while Fair Haven was up and running, they'd been closer than ever. If they were off duty, Tom and Kathryn were virtually inseparable. It was nice to be happy together and not have to worry about hurting each other. They were to the point where they were perfectly secure in their love of each other. Neither would leave the other, and now they were finally away from the reception to celebrate their wedding. They were going to wait a few days before taking some holodeck time for a honeymoon. Tom had worn an old earth style suit from the Jane Austen era, and Kathryn, wore a white dress in the same fashion. They were crowned with clover and baby's breath. Chakotay married them in the Mess Hall in front of the wide windows. Tuvok and Harry were their witnesses. Once they said their vows and the ceremony portion was completed, the party went into full swing with Neelix as host. They danced and ate and mixed and mingled until well into the night. They walked home from the party hand in hand. When they reached the door to their quarters Tom picked her up and carried her over the threshold to their home. They were both looking forward to the time they would be able to spend alone.

Before they were able to take their time off, Seven began having dreams about Unimatrix Zero. Of course Kathryn, being curious, she went into the Unimatrix as well, to see what it was all about. The Borg drones that were able to enter Unimatrix Zero returned to their individual state. Of course the Borg Queen was not pleased about the defiance of her drones. Kathryn being Kathryn, had to help them and Tom didn't blame her. Any escape from the Borg was a blessing. However when he heard the plan, he hated it and he had no problem telling the Captain so. He almost agreed with Chakotay about removing her from duty, but thought better of it. Doing that would ruin the relationship they had newly cemented. That didn't stop him from pleading with her not to go.

"Kathryn please, send someone else. It's too dangerous for you to go. Please" He begged.

"If it's too dangerous for me to go, then how could I ask any of my crew to take this mission in my place. That wouldn't be fair either. I don't want to go, Tom, but I have to. I love you, but this is the Captain doing this, not Kathryn."

"I love you too, but that's why I don't want you to go. I don't want to lose you."

"I'm not changing my mind, Tom."

"I know that, but I can't help but worry and I wish I were going with you. I'm just going to be upset for a while." She nodded in understanding and kissed him softly. He held her close for a moment before releasing her. They went their separate ways upon exiting. She went to the Bridge and he strode the corridors of Voyager. He was upset and as he walked he tried to work through everything that was cluttering his head. He ran into Seven as he was walking. She was not the person he needed or wanted to see. He paused in the corridor and watched her for a moment. When she looked his way, it took all his will not to glare coldly at her. Then he saw the tears on her cheeks. He put aside his anger about Seven pulling them into the current mess, and his worry over Kathryn's safety and pulled her into her Cargo Bay.

"Are you alright?" He asked gently.

"I am unaccustomed to the emotions that I have been experiencing. I am unsure as to how to deal with them." She answered.

"Emotions can be hard to deal with. You have to take it one day at a time. If you feel overwhelmed, take a step back and take a deep breath. It's ok to be confused, ok to be unsure of what to feel at first, you haven't had the same emotional developments. You'll be fine." Seven seemed to take his words as valuable. She nodded and returned to her duties. He returned to walking the corridors and immersed himself back into his thoughts, no longer angry with Seven but still worried over Kathryn.

Then she was gone, along with Tuvok, and Torres. Assimilated into the Collective where he could no longer reach her. All for the sake of saving drones. The first night he slept alone in their bed, he tossed and turned. It wasn't the same without her there. When he finally did fall asleep, he had nightmares, something he hadn't had in over a year. It was a difficult to work on the Bridge and not see her there. He finally had enough of waiting and told Chakotay so. The Commander nodded in agreement. Tom took the Delta Flyer and infiltrated his way into the Borg space. He located the three crewmembers and beamed them out. Far away in the Beta Quadrant the newly released drones began to rebel against the Borg Queen's control.

There on Voyager, the Doctor began removing the Borg technology from the Captain, Lt. Torres, and Tuvok. Tom helped where he could, handing instruments and running scans as needed. It hurt him so much to see Kathryn as a drone, her perfect skin marred by implants and ashy streaks. He wanted to hold her and cry. When the Doctor was finally finished, and everyone was peacefully sleeping, Tom sought out Seven. He found her in the Cargo Bay. She was staring at nothing. He put a hand on her shoulder. She turned swiftly, and he could see the tears in her eyes again. He knew it was because of what she had lost. He opened his arms and gathered her close. She cried into his shoulder.

"I know it hurts right now. It will hurt for a while. You've lost someone you care about very much. It will lessen. Eventually you will meet someone new and you'll have those feelings of love all over again. Who knows, we may make it back to the Alpha Quadrant and he'll be there waiting for you. It will take time, but you'll be ok. And Seven, its ok to cry." She nodded in acceptance, her tears trickling to a stop.

"Doctor to Lt. Paris."

"Paris here."

"The Captain is asking for you."

"I'm on my way. Paris out. Come on, lets go see how the Captain is doing." He started to pull her out the door. "And Seven, its ok to hug her too." She nodded again.

When they got to Sickbay, the Captain was sitting up on the biobed. She was almost completely healed. The few marks left were fading steadily. She saw Seven and Tom, and smiled brightly at them. Seven hugged her gently, without preamble. The Captain held her close for a moment and when Seven pulled back, Kathryn wiped her tears away gently. Seven left a few moments after that. Tom moved closer and sat next to her on the biobed and looked at her for a long moment.

"I was waiting for some kind of miracle, that would get us out of there. Then you were there and we were out. I was so happy to see you. I love you."

"I love you too. But do me a favor?" She nodded as he put his arm around her shoulders gently. "Never get assimilated by the Borg again."

"Agreed."


	19. He's Never Enough

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 7: Workforce – Parts 1 & 2

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 16: Part 1 – He's Never Enough

Tom eased back against the side of the tub, cradling Kathryn in his arms. They were both content and relaxed. They'd been back from their honeymoon for a week and so far it had been a quiet time. Things were smooth sailing. He and Kathryn were completely at ease with everything, Harry and B'Elanna were engaged and already expecting. Neither of them had suspected straight-laced Harry Kim to go about things backwards. Tom let his thoughts drift and when he heard the soft sigh from Kathryn, he knew it was time for bed.

The next mornings alarm came too soon, as usual. They readied for shift as usual. Suddenly the whole ship rocked and everything went black.

It was time for her to start her new job. She was excited about the science and engineering she would be doing. She loved to get her teeth into new ideas and her hands on new machines.

She entered the lab and before she knew it, she almost caused an overload. Thankfully a man came to her rescue. He introduced himself as Jaffen. He was pleasant, witty, handsome, and charming. He asked her out, but there was something that told her it wasn't right. He reminded her of someone, someone she had been with, but wasn't anymore. She was attracted to him, but on a very deep, subconscious level, she knew he wasn't her match. She shook off her thoughts as crazy, and tried to enjoy his company.

After work, she headed to a local bar and restaurant. It looked like a good place to unwind. Jaffen followed her in and sat with her even though she hadn't invited him. She ignored him and tried to concentrate on her data pad. Then she caught sight of the waiter. He was tall with blonde hair and beautiful, piercing blue eyes. There was something magnetic about him. It drew her in until she was absorbed. Something uncurled in her chest, a warmth that infused her whole being. Jaffen touched her arm to get her attention and broke her out of thoughts. The logical part of her brain slammed back into her with a vengeance and she shook off her previous stupor as simple attraction and actually turned her attention to Jaffen. They had dinner and chatted and when they were through, he walked her home.

The next day she threw herself into her work, leaving little time for conversation, until the alarm sounded. She joked with Jaffen about the day before. She threw up her hands and said defensively that it wasn't her. He laughed and told her it was time for inoculations. They lined up. In front of them was a man with dark skin and pointed ears, as well as the new efficiency monitor. The monitor had biomechanical implants on her face and one hand, but other than that she was astoundingly beautiful. As they got closer to the head of the line, the man became more and more agitated. When it was his turn, he went crazy. He turned to her and begged her to remember him, to remember something called Voyager. He called her Captain. She wasn't sure why, but it sounded like something she needed to know, but couldn't remember why she should. His face clicked in the back of her mind like she should remember him, but as his behavior became even more erratic, any familiarity faded into concern.

That evening she went back to the restaurant to unwind. The waiter from the previous night was waiting tables again. She watched him interact with a young pregnant woman.

Tom studied the young woman. She had been in a few times, but she was always alone. He noticed she didn't wear a ring either. Normally he would have taken that as a sign that she was free game, but something held him back. It was the red head from the night before. She'd come in and everything else, everyone else had vanished from his mind. There was something intriguing and magnetic about her. He shook that off turning his thoughts outward and back to his customers. He chatted up the young woman and discovered that she had been engaged, but he left her when he found out she was pregnant. She was getting close to her due date. He offered to introduce her to another customer of the restaurant. She was also expecting. The young woman, B'Elanna agreed readily. She was a little desperate for friends. Tom gave her his personal number and address and told her to call if she ever needed anything. Before the night was through, he introduced her to the other couple and had made quite a bit in tips. It was a good night. Then he noticed the red head had returned. She was sitting in a dark corner, not in his section. She was working on a data pad. A few minutes later she left. His good night, turned into intriguing.

The new efficiency monitor went to check on the man who had become erratic during inoculations. She discovered his name was Tuvok. She had been unsettled by his actions. He had called her Seven of Nine just before he touched her. Just after that she saw herself in a dark alcove with other beings that were biomechanical. She knew she was in something called a Cube, but it wasn't the right environment for her. Then she saw herself on a well-lit ship with other people. She saw Janeway and Tuvok. It felt like the right setting, but when the visions stopped she found herself in her quarters. Other memories began to surface. As they did, she realized what had happened to the crew and returned to the plant to find the others.

At the restaurant the next evening, Janeway introduced herself to Tom. She also introduced Tom to Tuvok's replacement before she took her own table. Tom looked at the man, studied him. His face was off, but the voice had a ring of familiarity to it. Tom chatted with them for a moment and she felt a spark light in her chest again. She could see it in his eyes as well. There was something between them and she got the impression that one taste of him would never be enough. She watched as he returned to his other customers. He spoke with Amal Kotay again, as well as the brushy haired alien that had joined him. The alien also held something familiar, but she couldn't pin down the memory and it was causing her to wonder what else she couldn't remember. Jaffen joined her a few minutes later, just as Amal came over to her table. She asked him to join her as his friend had left. Jaffen looked affronted for a moment, but she ignored him. She knew what he wanted, but she wasn't going to give in to his request. Nothing about being with Jaffen felt right. Tom returned with their orders and smiled at her. Tom was what made her heart trip.

B'Elanna was walking back to the plant when two men, one in front of her and one behind, stopped her for directions. She'd seen both in the bar before she left, then she saw darkness. When she woke, it was in a medical bay with a man standing over her. His face was slightly familiar, like she should know who he was. When another man entered, the memories began to flood back. This was her man and the ship they lived on, the Doctor who had been there for her every moment of her pregnancy. She was home.

Chakotay didn't make it into the transporter beam. He had drawn the attention of the guards to get Neelix and B'Elanna away safely. He headed for the only person he could think of, Kathryn. She let him into her apartment and he saw she had Jaffen as company. Jaffen excused himself. His conversation with Kathryn had obviously not been going well from the look on their faces. Chakotay told her about Voyager, about B'Elanna and Harry, her and Tom, Tuvok, himself and Seven, and Neelix. She listened politely and agreed to help him in anyway she could, after she saw the ship. She did agree to heal his wound though, no matter what.

Seven began to collect the files on the crew and on Chakotay for evidence, to take to Yerid, a friend of sorts, who also believed that things at the plant were not as they should be. When she finally spoke to him, she found that he had been relieved of duty and that it was up to her to solve the mystery. She collected as much information as she could before going to meet with Kathryn, Yerid, and Tom.

Once Kathryn knew Voyager was in orbit, she shut down main power for the plant. She felt better about helping Chakotay, knowing he was telling her the truth. She saw the bridge of the ship and B'Elanna. It looked like home.

After they restored the crew and many of the altered people, they resumed their course for home. Kathryn had offered to take Jaffen home and he had accepted. He came to see her in her Ready Room, before he left. Tom was with her, sitting in the couch, looking out at the stars.

"I'm heading down in a moment. I just wanted to say good-bye. I was wondering about something though." Jaffen said. Kathryn gestured for him to continue. "I'm happy that I met you, but when I kept asking you to go out with me, to move in with me, to let me kiss you, you always balked. I was wondering why. I never saw you wear a wedding ring." He trailed off and she pulled a chain with a beautifully cut diamond and sapphire ring on it, from beneath her uniform.

"I wear it under my clothes because I'm usually working on something that will knock it off my hand or something that it will get caught on. I'd prefer not to lose it." She gestured to Tom. "Tom and I have been married for a few months, but we've been together for several years. They may have altered my memories but they couldn't alter my heart. I couldn't be with you because Tom has always been my soul mate."

"I understand. I wish you well then. It's time for me to go home. Safe journey Kathryn." Jaffen turned to leave. When they were alone, Kathryn pulled Tom into a passionate kiss.

"I love you, Tom. I can't seem to get enough of you."

"I love you too, and I plan to be around for sampling for a long time."


	20. But Frayed At The Ends, He Breaks

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: Season 7: Endgame

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 17: Part 1 – But Frayed At The Ends, He Breaks

It was ten years to the day since they'd made it home. They limped into the Alpha Quadrant. She hated to gather in celebration. She was happy to see everyone, but it hurt so much to see the missing faces like ghost in a crowded room. But she had a plan to change that.

She came through the rift and was confronted with her ship, the way it should have been when they got home, with all her crew. She pulled rank on herself. It was disconcerting but necessary. When she'd seen Tom on the view screen, her heart skipped a beat. She had his picture on her nightstand but it wasn't the same as seeing him alive and breathing.

Tom saw her on the screen and had to check himself hard to keep from reacting. He wanted to look back and see his Kathryn, in her chair, commanding the Bridge. It was just wrong to see the older and colder version staring back at him. He felt his Kathryn come up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. It was a comforting and familiar in the new and strange situation.

They were ordered back into the nebula with the Borg. Captain Janeway was not happy about the proposed idea of Admiral Janeway's. The Admiral was entirely too adamant about the plan. She wanted to know why.

"You want to know why? I'll tell you why. Seven of Nine will die in two years. Chakotay will never be the same. You'll lose Tim in four years. And Tuvok, who is already suffering from a neurological condition, and could be cured in the Alpha Quadrant, will slowly succumb to senility. You will lose twenty-two other crewmembers in the sixteen more years it will take you to get home. That's why!" Admiral Janeway vented vehemently. Kathryn could feel tears prickling in her eyes. Losing Seven, losing Tom, virtually losing Tuvok and Chakotay, and twenty-two others. She couldn't handle it. The thought was staggering, so much so, she swayed on her feet. "There's more." She stated. Kathryn didn't think she could handle more, but the Admiral continued. "The accident that killed Tom, I was in. I was pregnant, about two months along. I lost the baby too. I didn't even have that much to keep me together. I tried to kill myself. I want to get you home before all of that happens. I want you to have what I couldn't, what I didn't have." She was softer now. Some of the old compassion showed through her cold exterior. Kathryn felt her heart breaking for the woman in front of her.

Kathryn found Tom doing his shift in Sickbay. She pulled him aside and into the Bio-Lab. She hugged him tightly, not wanting to let go of him. When she finally could, she told him about the Admiral's plan and their long journey home through her eyes. He had agreed with the plan to destroy the transwarp hub before, and he stood by that vote. But she wanted to go home too. She didn't want to lose him or their child to the ugliness of the Delta Quadrant. When she finally left Tom, she went to Seven and Admiral Janeway. It was time to formulate a plan to get them back to the Alpha Quadrant as well as deal a crippling blow to the Borg.

That night, before they implemented their plan, Kathryn and Tom shared a private moment. He held her close, speaking softly.

"I'm so afraid of losing you or leaving you to the pain the Admiral says we'll face. But I'm just as scared to go home to the Alpha Quadrant. You and Voyager are all I have. Here I have a life with you. Back there I'm just an ex con and a screw up. And ever since the Admiral came aboard I've had this fraying feeling in my chest, like this is a life altering crossroads and I'm not sure where to go other than with you. I don't want to break. I've broken before and I don't want to go through that again until I know you're there to pick up the pieces."

"I'll always be here. We're both frayed at the ends, but we're both strong. We won't break."

They entered the nebula. Admiral Janeway went to the Borg Queen. They entered the transwarp hub with the explosion flying close behind them and a sphere on their tail. They shot into the Alpha Quadrant inside the sphere and then the Sphere exploded from the inside out and they were thrown clear, surprising several fleet ships. As they slowed to a stop, the Doctor announced the birth of Miral, B'Elanna and Harry's daughter. They all cheered. But when Tom and Kathryn's eyes met, it was clear they wanted to be back in the Delta Quadrant. They nodded to each other, a silent promise to hold each other together, no matter what.

Starfleet Command contacted them almost immediately and Admiral Paris came on the view screen. Tom schooled his face into a blank mask. They were to be welcomed properly as soon as they reached Earth. When the Admiral signed off, Tom turned back to Kathryn. The look in his eyes, haunted, distressed, and altogether lost, reflected her own visage and her heart. They were both breaking.


	21. Would It Be Beautiful

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: None. From This point on the Voyager Crew is home

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 18: Part 1 – Would It Be Beautiful

They were docking. Everyone was anxious to see family and friends. Kathryn was looking forward to seeing her mother and Tom was looking forward to meeting her. B'Elanna's father, Harry's parents, Naomi's father, Seven's aunt, everyone was there. As the senior staff began to release the crew from the duty stations that were secure, both Kathryn and Tom were dreading seeing Admiral Paris in person. They were going to stand firm in their relationship and weren't going to hide it. She had even put her ring, usually on a chain around her neck, on her finger. Once the other members were off the senior staff disembarked.

They were greeted with cheers and applause. Their families all crowded in close to greet them. The time they'd spent in the Delta Quadrant had sealed a lot of rifts in loved ones and created others. Kathryn and Tom watched sympathetically as Harry introduced his parents and Libby to B'Elanna and Miral. Libby hadn't accepted that Harry had moved on. She didn't take meeting B'Elanna very well and stormed off crying. Harry's parents welcomed all three with open arms.

Chakotay and Seven went to meet Seven's aunt, a frail old woman in her seventies. Tuvok was greeted by his son and his wife. That left Kathryn to be enveloped in a hug from her mother and sister. Gretchen Janeway was an older and slightly softer version of her daughter and Phoebe must have taken after Admiral Janeway's side. She was tall with waves of chocolate brown hair. Admiral Paris joined them as Tom was also scooped up into a hug by Gretchen. The Janeway's and Paris' had know each other for many years and Gretchen remembered Owen's youngest child very well.

Kathryn was ecstatic to see her mother and sister. Tom was happy that she was happy and it gave him a glimpse of what a family should be like. But the welcoming arms of Gretchen Janeway and the smell of her sweet perfume pulled him in and he hugged her back tightly, thankful to be part of a true family again and washed in a mother's love.

Admiral Paris clapped Tom on the shoulder as Gretchen released him. It was awkward, but despite their previous disagreements, he was happy to see his son. Tom and Kathryn pulled back into a more formal demeanor. It was hard for her not to say something regrettable to the Admiral.

"It's nice to see you in person, Captain, Lieutenant." Admiral Paris said easily, like everything should be perfect because they were back.

"Likewise, sir. It's good to be home." Kathryn answered. Tom remained silent. He had nothing to say to his father. It was then the Admiral noticed the wedding rings on their hands and how close they stood. He began to turn red. They had told Gretchen about getting married, but hadn't told Admiral Paris or Starfleet Command. While it wasn't specifically forbidden, it was frowned upon and they would be reassigned to separate ships. They had discussed the possibility. They both agreed it was Voyager or nothing.

"You do realize you'll be separated because of this. And Tom, how could you? You've possibly ruined Kathryn's career and whatever you've managed to salvage of yours."

"We've already discussed this, Admiral. We've decided that we stay together on Voyager or we stay together in the private sector. Either way, we stay together." Tom finally spoke. Kathryn nodded in agreement. The Admiral turned even redder, if that was possible.

"You do realize that after the debriefing of its crewmembers, Voyager will be decommissioned. They want to promote you to the position of Admiral and after your almost spotless record aboard on Voyager, they were going to promote you as well Tom. I lined up a position as first officer for you on a new ship in anticipation of your return. You're ruining those chances, both of you."

"We understand. We'll take our chances." With that she took Tom's hand and led him away with her mother and sister. They would be debriefed of the course of the next two weeks. Then they would have a few months off to visit their loved ones and renew old acquaintances. Then they would all be reassigned. She wasn't sure what they were going to do, she and Tom, but as long as they were together, they would be ok.

Kathryn led the way towards the edge of the throng of people. Mark was waiting with Molly. It was so surprising to see him after the letter he had sent about marrying someone else. Tom must have felt her reaction because he covered her hand with his own and gave it a squeeze.

"Mark, what a surprise." She said as Molly suddenly lunged toward her, jumping and yipping in excitement. She leaned down and got reacquainted with the dog.

"Your mom asked me to come and bring Molly. I was hoping she would remember you. I've missed you, Kath." He said quietly. She studied his face, reading his eyes. He was offering her the friendship they'd once shared without the previous romance. She was happy to have that with him.

"Its good to see you, Mark. I'm glad you came. I know I wrote you a letter saying I was happy for you, but I wanted you to know that I moved on as well. I had started to before I got your letter. This is my husband, Tom Paris. Tom, this is Mark Johnson." They shook hands easily. Tom could tell that Mark posed no threat to their relationship. He was secure in Kathryn's love.

They talked for a few more minutes before they went their separate ways, Molly on Mark's heels, Kathryn and Tom with her mother and sister. Once upon a time, she thought, it would be beautiful, like a dream, to be home, but she wasn't sure that her illusion of how things could be, would stand up to the way things actually were.


	22. Or Just A Beautiful Disaster

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: None. From This point on the Voyager are home

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 19: Part 1 – Or Just A Beautiful Disaster

The next few weeks passed in a blur. Everyone was debriefed and given leave to visit their loved ones before being reassigned. They had planned to get together one last time as a crew before those still in Starfleet shipped out. Kathryn and Tom were two of a small group of crewmembers that did not return to service after Voyager was decommissioned. Tuvok was also among their number. They had gone their separate ways, but to spend time with their families, but they were coming together one last time to say good bye.

Tom had managed to find a private company that had a large research and development department. He and Kathryn both, had gone the corporate route to find work. The company, called Sky Walk Enterprises, had snatched them both up before they had even the faintest desire to look elsewhere. They were based in Ireland and had a comfortable house outside of Dublin, in the surrounding country side. Kathryn had been assigned as the new head of the science research department and Tom was part of the development team, doing everything from shuttle designs to new holoprograms. A lot of the company's business came from Starfleet, but neither of them minded that. They just had no desire to be part of the actual institution. They jumped into the work eagerly. There was some sadness over losing Voyager, but that was to be expected.

The night before the big party for the Voyager crew, Kathryn was nervous. She wanted to tell Tom about her news. She hoped he would take it well. She had called her mother almost immediately after finding out. Her mother had been so happy, but Kathryn wasn't sure she was ready, or how Tom would react to the idea. She paced their room back and forth, much like she used to do in her ready room. Things had been much simpler in the Delta Quadrant: Stay alive and get home. Here she had so much more to deal with. Although the media frenzy had died down a little, they were still hounding her and Tom, when they went out. And this would only add fuel to the fire. She was going to inform her dearest friends at the party the next evening, but she wanted to tell Tom first. She paced back and forth again.

Tom came home a few minutes later to find her sitting on the edge of their bed, pale and tense.

"What's wrong, Kathryn? What's happened? Did those reporters come back again? What's going on?" He pleaded, trying to find out what the matter was so he could fix it. Kathryn looked at him and sighed softly, before curling into his embrace. "Tell me please. You have me so worried right now."

"I'm pregnant." It came out as a whisper, so soft he wasn't sure he'd heard her correctly.

"Pregnant? You did say pregnant, didn't you?" She nodded. "Oh wow! I'm going to be a dad. Wow! Oh man. That's so beyond anything. Kathryn, that wonderful." He hugged her tightly, kissing her the top of her head. She felt something ease in her chest, the hard knot of fear and insecurity broke apart.

"You mean it? You're really excited? I wasn't sure you would be." She said softly.

"Excited? I'm ecstatic. I'm having a baby with the woman of my dreams. We're having a baby. I hope she's a beautiful as you and just as smart. That would be perfect. A little girl who looks just like her mother."

"What if I want a little boy who looks just like his daddy?"

"We could have one of those too, I suppose, but only if he's smart like you too."

"You mean it? You want more than one?"

"As many as you want, Kathryn. I love you, forever."

"I love you too, Tom. We'll have another little beautiful disaster to take care of."

The party went off without a hitch. All the crewmembers were in attendance. It was great to see all their familiar faces. The news media was camped outside the building, so they could get shots of everyone coming in or going out. They weren't allowed into the building. They mixed and mingled. They caught up on family gossip and made promises to stay in touch. Toward the end, Kathryn got everyone's attention, to address them one last time as their Captain, but forever their friend.

"I want to thank each and every one of you for attending tonight. I hope none of you considered it an order. I would like to say that it has been a pleasure to serve with each and every one of you. You made our journey possible. You made it special. We started out as a crew aboard a ship on a mission. We came back a family aboard our home. Our home was removed from us, but we will always have this, our family. We'll go our separate ways, make new lives and friendships, start new families, but this will always be my family, here in this room, my friends. Thank you for that. You made a difference in my life. Congratulations on your new assignments and promotions, your weddings and reunions. I have one last announcement to make. We'll have a new addition to our family in about seven months. I hope the next time we meet you'll welcome him or her into your hearts." She patted her stomach gently as cheers went up. She dimly heard the sound of a camera and turned toward the sound.

A reporter stood not three feet away from here. The Voyager crew rounded on him and forcibly removed him from the room just as Seven removed him of his camera. Kathryn nodded in thanks.

"Be well all of you." They filtered out, one by one, into their lives and futures.


	23. He's Beautiful

Disclaimer & Author's Note see Chapter 1

Spoilers: None. From This point on the Voyager are home

Beautiful Disaster

Chapter 20: Part 1 – He's Beautiful

It had been ten years since the first Voyager reunion. Every year they returned to the same place to meet up again. It was their time together. Over the years there were new additions. Husbands, wives, and children, were added to their family. Like any family, the new members were welcomed with open arms. She watched them all mix and mingle with each other. For many it was the only time they saw their former crewmembers, their family. For others, it was like any other day. This particular gathering marked a decade of time passing since their return, and so many other changes. He entered then, a child on each side of him, twins. One, a girl looked just like her daddy with blonde curls and bright blue eyes, the other a boy, with her red hair and gray eyes. They were her addition to the Voyager family. They were beautiful, like their father. It seemed that impending fatherhood had healed all those old wounds he had carried on his soul. She smiled when he looked up at her. He was more than the disaster he had been at the beginning of their journey. He was beautiful.


End file.
